Simsim

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

Robert Orben

“It’s all very simple, or else it’s all very complex, 
or perhaps it’s neither, 
or both.”

Ashleigh Brilliant

Life’s not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños – what you do today may come back to burn your ass tomorrow.

“I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I`d look like without plastic surgery.”